The Texas Tiger Chronicles

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Almost famous?

Mood: Perplexed, bewildered and optimistic
Morning Inspiration: "Jump" #8 from Madonna's Confessions in the Dance Floor There's only so much you can learn in one place/the more that you wait/the more time that you waste
Mode: Kenneth Cole ankle boot in chocolate brown with a beige stripe along the contours of the soles/deep blue crisp GAP denim/pink-plaid Burberry print shirt with brown back grounding/Brown GAP t-shirt underneath
Munchies: Breakfast Jack, hard fried egg, ham, cheese on an English muffin, with coffee and a bottle of Poland Spring water (at least that is what we call it in Texas when we roll through the drive-thru at Jack-In-Da-Box)
Mojo: I'm channeling Sandra today. I'm still here....won't you join me?




Yesterday I had the pleasure to live out on of my secret fantasies - make a guest appearance as a pundit/expert on a show about pop culture. Though I have enjoyed the Michael Mustos, Ann Coulters and Al Frankens or Generation Next, I felt it was time that my voice be heard in all its wavering tenor-esque alto-like tones.

I taped a segment for BET NEWS about the top pop culture events of 2005. Our topics ran the gambit from Hurricane Trina and the mess and pain she inflicted (with her album - not the storm) to more serious topics like Star Jones and Al Reynolds and Terry McMillan and Jonathan Plummer and Eddie Murphy and Nicole "whatever her new-last-name is" and why so many Black women have not gotten the memo that some pretty boys are good for shopping, but not marriage.

I commented on my feelings about the breakup of Destiny's Child and though I tried not to get to emotional, I did reveal that their breakup stirred up some deep seeded emotions of my own regarding rejection (Latoya/Latavia) failure (Michelle's gospel career) pain (Kelly's big big big kinky weave explosion at this year's BET awards and gluttony (Beyonce's constant craving for the spotlight).

We were also quizzed about Jay-Z becoming president of Def Jam, Jermaine Dupri becoming president of Virgin and 50-cent making money off everything marketable to the general public. And I tell you, I love the Lord. But I have gotten so much closer in my relationship every since my homeboy Deonte Jenkins gave me my 50-cent bible reader. Reading my favorite stories from Crack Genesis, Hood Exodus, Wanksta Acts, Street Revelations has really helped me grow just a lil bit closer. Thanks Curtis! Who ever knew street life could be so fun? I tell ya, the street life has not been glamorized and commercialized through the over saturation and popization of hip-hop music and the suburbanizing of hard-core rappers. Drinking a bottle of Lil John crunk juice is as real as it gets. Who cares that Cam'ron won't tell the police who shot him at close range? Or that Lil Kim went to jail for refusing to "rat' on her boys? Or that Cassidy copped a plea for last year's stabbing at the source awards? Hip hop is as real as ever. Nothing says gangsta like a 50-cent condom.

So during my interview, I did my best to entertain the cameramen, lighting technician and producer who assured me I looked fabulous on camera. Now, I never doubted that, but I was concerned about my angle. I'm very much like Tom Ford and Barbra Streisand in that I prefer to be photographed on from the right side. I mean, how else are you going to see my Cindy Crawford style beauty mark beneath my chocolaty almond eyes? I mean for me, it was a no brainer. Alas, I had to interview face left. And I really wanted to make sure I didn't look fat.
Me: Oh my god, do I look fat? Producer: Um, how could you possibly look fat? Me: Well from certain angles, I tend to photograph fat. Producer: I could throw an M&M at you at close range and still miss you. Me: Oh gee thanks. I guess I am feeling very Mary-Kate Olsen this morning. Are you sure I don’t look fat like this. I mean, I have a fat face. Cameraman: As a fat person, I take offense to that.

As always, I was trying to spread love, hope, peace and understanding (all that Kabalah stuff) and I end up offending someone. I swear when I want people to like me that is when then end up hating me.

Did I ever tell you about my last date? I was really trying to get on the A-team so I prepared a candlelight dinner that would put Rachel Ray to SHAME SHAME SHAME. It was a 29-minute meal complete with a dazzling table spread set against the backdrop of a candlelit dining room with red undertones and classic R&B playing in the background (everything from Cherelle "Saturday Love" to A Tribe Called Quest "Bonita Applebum"). And the hose (i.e. Texas Tiger) was wear some pressed and starched (cause we Texans love that gangsta crease in our jeans) Diesel Jeans, and a Kenneth Cole fitted shirt which had a red blossom print which MATCHED the red undertones of the dining room which further MATCHED the red undertones in my skin! (Did I ever tell you I have a splash of Native American in my family? It's true.)

Now my menu was marinated Chicken Cattiatore served on a bed of white rice beside of spread of fresh string beans and garlic potatoes with a serving tray decorated with parsley and time. Can you shut up? I was in the kitchen thinking of wedding patterns and where I would get my China because I knew that was the kind of meal that will pull out a proposal.

Enter my date. Ding dong. Clearly dazzled. Clearly. I am presented with a box of chocolates for dessert (little cheesecakes, mousses, cookies and things) which I promptly refrigerate. B. Smith would have been aglow at my hosting skills.

The conversation moved swiftly yet longingly as I quizzed my date about pop culture, current events and did I look fat. Naw, I didn’t ask that cause I was wearing fitted clothes and since I was not in front of a camera (at least not at that point of the date) there was no need.
Let's make a long story shorter.

I did not get a callback. I got an email, but not a call back. Was there a good night kiss? Yes. Was I a great cook/host/conversationalist? Yes. So what happened? I don’t know. All I know is the pattern is this: as soon as I start mentally planning for the future (so I can be the perfect husband) I end up prematurely divorced. I mean, I am a planner and dreamer. Maybe I should stop dreaming. But I have to dream cause if I ever had to plan something on short notice, like I get a call that a first class ticket to London, Amsterdam or Massachusetts (god forbid I get married domestically, but hey, it could happen) is waiting downstairs with my doorman, I will already know exactly what I am wearing, where to go to pick up last minute essentials (honeymoon briefs, boxers and marital thong), what cab company to call, and what luggage will match my outfits so I can be suzy at the airports - cause I am a planner.

So hey, I dream. And until I find someone who ain't afraid of the dream I will just stay single.
But let's go back to the BET NEWS show cause I got sidetracked. You know bounce from one thing to the other. This also bothers me in relationships. But I am faithful. But the attention-span thing has been an issue.

After I finished my interview I ran into Wendy Williams who TOTALLY blew me off. Whatever. I bought both of her books and I listen to her show. Did she care? Apparently not. As I said "Hi" and she kept walking. You see how they do!
I have gotten blown off by two of my friends in the past two weeks. I swear I can't take anymore.

I promised myself that if anyone else blows me off I am going to the bathroom and I am just gonna start cutting. Have you heard about cutting? It's like the newest thing. You just cut yourself to get a rush. You don’t want to kill yourself but it’s a great way to scare your parents into giving you more attention if you live in the suburbs apparently. But since I live in the city and the cuts won't look good with next year's John Varvatos collection...it might not be such a good idea.

GOSSIP

I was looking for some lil tidbits to share with you but today is SO very boring. I mean where is Tara Reid when you need her.


Did I tell you I met Lindsay Lohan yesterday? Of course I didn’t’ so let's recap. She was thisclose to me at work yesterday. She is around my height (I am 5'7" if you ask me, 5'6" if you ask my doctor) and she was wearing a very well-appointed black silk top and matching black silk skirt. Her shoes were three-inch alligator heels in blue on black. Makeup was flawless. And she wasn’t that skinny. I was bigger than her. I guess right now me and Nicole Ritchie are neck-and-neck.

I didn't take a pic with her cause I can't be at work lookin like a groupie cause it’s not looked well upon.

Oh, last week I also went to the premiere party for the Gastineau Girls at Stereo in Chelsea. Lisa Gastineau is really pretty. I was impressed cause you know some ladies hit them 40s and it’s a long slow drop to8, then 7, then 6. And that's hard when you spent all of your 20s looking like a 10. But the botox and bungee cords are working flawless!
If there were other celebrities there I didn’t see them - or maybe I wasn’t interested. Moving on.

Next party was for Eva Pig ford, the only winner of America's Next Top Model who ANYONE cares about. She turned 21. I remember 21. I was young and fresh and I had a smartazz mouth with an opinion about everything.

Mehcad Brooks - Matthew Applewhite
Star Jones was there. Paris Hilton came thru. But no celebrity spotting left an impression on me like when I locked eyes with Mr. Mechad Brooks of Desperate Housewives. I think time stood still. I remember it like it was last week....cause it was last week. As I turned around, the room turned a shade of amber red (which as you red earlier is MY color) so I was feeling hot tamale. Then all of a sudden, across the airwaves was one of my favorite melodies. The seminal classic "If I were a bell" from the classic 1990 album "Ivory" by the single-most underrated singer/songerwriter/producer of the late 70s, 80s, 90s and now the 2000s - Ms. Lady T aka Teena Marie.


If I were a bell/baby I would ring/tell the whole world that you are my everything.
He looked at me and I looked at him. And he looked at me and I looked at him. And he looked at me and then he walked away. Well, where did you think this story was going? He just got to Hollywood. I am thinking that when we lock eyes in 2008, the story will be more like
"He looked at me and I looked at him. And he looked at me, pulling out his flat Ritz-Carlton card key from his fitted Dolce & Gabbana slack while motioning for me to come over. As I slowly, yet swiftly, made my way across the room, pass the bar where Keisha had just made me a stiff white chocolate Godiva martini, pass the snooty concierge who stared at me with envious eyes, pass the front desk clerk who turned her nose up at me as if she knew, that I knew, that she knew how it was all going down. I held my head up high as I knew that she knew that I knew that she knew I was on my way to a suite high about the 45th floor. And when I got there....."
I would never finish this story for you because I am a gentleman. Just know that is how it goes down with the Texas Tiger people.

I am so overwhelmed.

I have not blogged in so very long and there is just so much I want to give to you. So much I want to share.

So much I want to say.

I need you.

Without you I am nothing.

I just want to have than moment with you.

Back to the GOSSIP and stuff like that.

Here are some tidbits. It is gonna be short cause I can't make it up. I wanna keep it fresh and funky for you but I blog about what interests me and right now I am not feeling it.

But:
Rapper Foxy Brown almost totally deaf, lawyer reveals THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Rapper Foxy Brown is almost totally deaf, her lawyer said Monday.
Attorney Joseph Tacopina disclosed Brown’s hearing problem after a question about why they exchanged written notes while waiting in Manhattan Criminal Court for her case to be called on an unresolved assault charge from August 2004.
“She’s pretty much totally deaf now,” Tacopina said. “She can’t hear me. We have to write things back and forth. Anything I have to communicate with her now has to be written. It’s dialogue, communication.” Brown, 25, revealed during a court appearance in September that she would soon undergo surgery to try to correct her hearing. Obviously straining to hear questions, she refused to discuss the possible cause of the problem.

On a personal note - Dear Foxy,
I said something really mean about you for the BET show. They may not use it but if it every gets back to you, just know I love you and I do have all your albums. I do adore you...much more than Kim. Yes, I said it. I didn’t think Ill Nana was better than Hardcore and I do think you tried to imitate her on China Doll, which was a hot mess. Let's just be clear it was a mess. But Broken Silence really put you on top for me. And I did illegally download The Fever and I loved that as well. But I did say something nasty. Let's still be friends. You don’t know me but as I listen to your music I think of you as a friend. Your highly-opinionated friend who says mean things but is sincere and is a nice person really really really deep beneath the superficial exterior I use to protect myself. And also, don't be having none of them ghetto BK boys coming after hear! I mean, you know, see this and I know I love you.

Jailed rappers face hard times in sales
Jim Farber
NY DAILY NEWS
Lil' Kim's chart-topping ways have stalled while she's in prison. -->Contrary to popular belief, crime doesn't pay in rap. Case in point: Lil' Kim. The diminutive rapper went to the big house in September, on a perjury conviction, nine days before the release of her latest album, "Naked Truth."

While her year-and-a-day sentence earned her almost as much media coverage as Nick and Jessica's bustup, Kim's album hasn't gotten equal attention from the fans. In more than two months, it has sold just 267,480 copies.
This week "Naked" plunged to No. 197 on Billboard's Top 200 Album chart, giving it little momentum to move more.
The rapper's previous three CDs sold more than1 million copies each: "Hard Core" (1.4 mil),
"Notorious K.I.M." (also 1.4) and "La Bella Mafia" (1.1).
The problem is obvious: Jail doesn't exactly give one a lot of time to promote the product. Though Kim worked her Lee press-on nails to the cuticles in the two weeks before she went away, there's no making up for the fact that she couldn't be around to push the music after it went on sale.

LOWDOWN
LLoyd Grove
Jessica Simpson -->A word to Jessica Simpson's personal assistant: Loose lips sink ships. Lowdown hears that the twentysomething CaCee (pronounced "Casey") Cobb - who now finds herself the object of a quasi-custody battle between Jessica and her estranged husband, Nick Lachey - has been blabbing to friends about Simpson's alleged infidelities and voicing her sympathy for Nick's plight.
And by the way ya'll, they did not sign a prenup. So Nick is gonna get half of everything. Last report says they got $35 million in the kitty and let's face it, she made that money - not him. I mean she needed him to pimp her hustle but if really all come down to her. But whatever.

BRADJOLINA - courtesy of defamer.com
Late Friday, Brad Pitt’s publicist executed a classic, “issue a press release and run like hell for the safety of the weekend” PR maneuver, dropping this bomb about her client’s decision to hyphenate Angelina Jolie’s growing refugee brood: A legal petition seeking to change the names of the children to Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt was filed Friday in Los Angeles, publicist Cindy Guagenti said in a written statement to The Associated Press. “We are confirming that Brad Pitt is in the process of becoming the adoptive father of both children,” the statement said. “No further comment is being made.”

DAVE CHAPPELLE
• Someone at Comedy Central finally asks, “Hey, what happened to the stuff we paid for before Dave Chappelle ran out on us?” and now plans to air the bits and pieces of Chappelle’s Show’s aborted third season sometime in 2006, both online and on TV. Among the highlights is the eerily prescient sketch, “Dave Takes Comedy Central’s Money and Flees For Some Chill-Out Time in South Africa,” starring, of course, the ghost of Rick James. [Variety]

Let's go and saying goodbye has never been easy. But it's time.

I bid you farewell, but let us not say goodbye.

We have tomorrow.

TEXAS TIGER

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